The book Of Sheena

So after spending a great weekend with Kelley and meeting some pretty cool people I slept good that night. I didnt realize how much clothes needed washing and I actually woke up past 7 it was great! I return my uncle's phone call from the night before to find out that my mom hadnt payed the cable and internet bill for 3 months. It was shut off. So on top of going to a place where I dont know anyone and in living in a house that i have never been in I wont have anything to do when I get there except clean up the mess that my mom left over the past 6 months. I ask myself "what did I do to deserve this?" I put my life on hold for 3 months barely doing anything to find out that I when I arrive...ill have less then what I have now. No car, no cell phone, no internet, and no cable, no friends, and no way of contacting anyone. If my palm reading and tarot cards hadnt told me that everything was going to get better Id be feeling really shitty right about now. Not that I am not now but Id feel worse. Maybe the gods are punishing me for not staying in school 3 years ago...I have no clue and I want to shoot myself. Im really hopeing that my mom doesnt make my life more stressful then itn has been in the past 4 months of going crazy in this god for saken hell hole of a house. Im not gonna even try to see the good side of this.

Current Mood: agitated

So I havent wrote a blog in a bit so here go's today I am officially 24. My dad actually asked me how old I was haha. Ive realized that looking on the past how much Ive disappointed myself. But I dont now...Im starting not to. Ive done alot of reflecting and am starting to become satisfied with my own company. I havnt been a good friend to anyone...everyone has always been a self assurance to my own insicurities and they realize that now. I feel it. The past two years have been a wake up call all the things I used to say about not haveing friends... no wonder. I remember when Shilah took the day off from work to be with me on my 21st birthday.What have I done for her? Those night when I cried myself to sleep and Kelley held me.What have I done for him? I never recriprocated. Corina lost her job because I needed someone to talk to. I question my own self worth sometimes and realize that I am a very selfish person. I dont know any of my friends birthdays...how much of a good friend am I?

Well that will all change....right now. This is another birthday of disappointment and I blame no one but myself for the loss of some very good friends but I know now that in two years when I graduate I will be fulfilled and will love myself then just maybe when this rock Ive been hideing under for so long...will be lifted....not maybe..it will. I will feel no shame and will be whole. My 26th year of life... that is when I will shine and if those who read this (assumeing were still friends) you will see a more established individual hope to see you then :)

Current Mood: disappointed

Sometimes I wonder when is the time to give up. Me and Rick had a fight on Saturday. Probley one of the worse one's we have ever had.I rely on him. I have become to comefortable with him that I became used to the things he does for me which is almost everything. When I play Wow all my problems go away for a short period of time...Ive lost well...my ambition to do anything and everything. I felt the break up speach comeing on but it didnt happen. That night I analyzed myuself....I need to figure out who I am. What are my intersts not hang out with friends and do what interests them. I have no idea who I am. I can change my personality in the flick of a switch for anyone. Which one is the real me? I hate confrontation so much that I have psycholigically convinced myself in any confrontational moment that it is my fault and I shouldnt argue. I cant go to school because everyone else thinks it's good for me...I have to go to school because I know it's good for me. Rick has become everything that I wanted and I dont give anything back except be this bitchy person that sit's on her ass and play's wow all day..No social life no nothing. Ive started to read books and ride my bike because I know for a fact that that is of interest to me. Im putting in my 2 weeks today and am going to go work at a convenience store or something untill January set's in and I can go to school. I rely on people to live because without people I'd be lost.... How do you love yourself when you never learned how to? He turn his back to me at night,He doesn't want to kiss me, He tried to cuddle last night but stopped. I dont do anything anymore because Im trying to see his reaction to me not being affectionate because it's not like me to not. No reaction...maybe he is doing the same for me or maybe he just doesn't care anymore.... We had talked about that bad arguement that day and he told me he has been contimplateing breakeing up with me for rthe past 2 weeks but now that I want to chnage and I see now that I have to learn whome I am that he will wait and see. I asked myself...why didnt he break up with me in the past 2 weeks? he told me that when you love someone it isnt that easy... He go's to chicago in 2 weeks for a business trip maybe that will give us time to reflect on one another. Most importantly I need to reflect on myself....

Current Mood: depressed

So I am officially in Agawam.The drive to manchester every morning sucks because I have to be out the door by 7:10 but right now I have no choic e in the matter. Rick is very antsy(spelling?) to get things done so he he seems to be snapy all the time but he will adjust. Due to my work schedule I cant see any of you during the week days but there is always the weekend. I miss all of you!

Back to the move...it sucked balls.My body was acheing,my knuckles were scratched up and I was on 2 hours of sleep due to the very uncomefortable sleep the night before. I have also come to realize how out of shape I am.

For some reason I see good things happening in the long run. Im back in the house I grew up rent free and we get to get ahead on our bills and buy a kitty and someday save for a new house once I get the money to go back to school. This is my time to officially

Current Mood: bouncy

So Im gonna pull the cat out of the bag. Rick was terminated from his job for reasons I dont want to say.So we have to leave our apartment if he doesnt get a job within a couple of weeks and if he doesnt get unemployment we are looking into enfield and if no unemployment moveing out of the state. Im so worried :( I might need to leave everyone. But like I always say everything happens for a reason. I just dont like this reason for the time being. I started playing wow again haha so that explains alot about whats going on my mind lol. I dont really know what to say everyone is talking to me again and I might be leaving.....I guess thats it I dont know what to say....

Current Mood: worried

So I felt like updateing because...well...im bored and feel like writing my thoughts for no one to respond to.Im done inviteing people to do things because I get no responces.It hurts you know... I am afraid to meet new people because I dont trust people enough to get close to me. What do I do? No one wants to realize that I exist and I want others outside of that to not notice that I exist due to lack of trust...I think im going about this the wrong way....I used to think it was my fault that none of my friends payed any attention to me after I moved to Connecticut but im done blameing myself for everyone's carelessness. I cant wait to get out of this area.

Current Mood: bitchy

So I guess I jumped off the planet and died apparently.That last update was probley the last time I had any social interaction with anyone haha well...almost.I picked up world of war craft and died to all my friends.Yup almost completely abandoned everyone.So I stopped playing a couple of weeks ago. Depression has gotten the best of me. I am so miserbale without social interaction and feel I am going no where with my life.But I have Rick and am so greatful for that.He is the first guy that when I see the future I cant fathom the idea of him not being part of it.But yesterday he tells me he is unhappy. I am not one of those chicks that will say "Oh my life is over when he leaves" or " I cant live with out him" (excuse me I as a throw up in my mouth a little). I can live without him I just cant see it in my head if that makes any sence because to me it does. Ive discovered all of my faults I am a very selfish person that seems selfless because I have no self esteem. Im done trying to act like a happy person I really am not.I dont love myself... I think im bi-polar a few people have said that to me as well. I get depressed for no reason and always feel that there is something wrong with me so I hide myself in a corner and let people walk all over me.I have no direction in life. But somehow I see myself doing great things in the world I just have no drive to get there.Im trying to take a turn with myself Im am attempting to do things to expand my mind and do them on my own.Hobbies they call it apparently haha.I dont use my mind...well ever which is probley why I have no memory. I am seeking therapy though Rick believes therepists just fuck people up *excuse my french*. I am also going to school haha well see anyway.I have to love myself before I have direction and I dont know how to do that.But when or if I do go to school I am going for my masters in psychology so i can be a family therapist haha thats funny I cant even fix my own problems...well see I feel that that is my calling geting my masters actually doesnt scare me anymore I have no choice but to succeed but first I must figure out my own issues first.This is the real Sheena nice to meet you...

Current Mood: cynical

This blog is dedicated to all the women in the world whome actually want to listen directed to the younger crowd (18 - 22).I myself am a 22 year old well I prefer the term girl over women because I am much to young to consider myself a women.The term "women" in my eyes is one of experience and in depth knowledge to the world.One whome can give a opinion to why things are with out ever truley being "shocked" to what they may hear from others.One of wisdom.A psychologically mature person of the female gender.

Anyways,I have been thinking alot in the past night about the difference of the male and female gender.Obviously more directed to the female.It go's way back to the nature of both sex's.A man's instinct is to impregnate anything that walk's and a women's to bring a new species into the world.You notice how females are always in love at the age of 18?Of course I am refering to the "norm" not everyone is.Im just saying 9 times out of 10.The first man she dates(in accordance to hetrosexual women)she is in love with at 18.Have you ever wondered why that is?I think it's the term "adult".Oh wow a big one!That is a scary word.One in which most probley couldn't define.I have my opinions but it is probley a more cynical opinion then the rest of the world.Or maybe not.I was watching a movie earlier today.It's so funny how the older you get the more hope you start to lose in the world or as I would say the more wisdom you obtain is sadly enough,when you lose the most hope for the world.When a 18 year old female finds out the hard way in most case's,That most men look at women like objects or at least the good looking one's(based on physical appearance of course).When your 18 that absolutely devistates you when your 22 you just kind of laugh at it and think "isn't that the truth".The main rule,a women falls in love at 18 that's just the way it is.Haveing faith in something can in some case's be defined as "naive".It's so funny how when you put 2 and 2 together...it always ends up being a odd number.Because sometimes useing 2 words that have totally opposite meanings with knowledge obtained can mean exactly the same.Words like Hope and naive as already stated.Or god and love.Or Fayth and fiction.

Young people always seem to think they know it all but a true adult in my eyes will always say that they dont know enough and are ok with that statement.Or at least a wise one anyway.To any of the reader's just remember that I am just throwing words around and this is my opinion in which I dont mean to insult anyone by.

All the horrible thing's that a female must learn through out life's journey.It's sad to think about all the things you will learn from the thing's you already know.Or maybe it is a blessing?To each it is their own.

Every mother go's through the same things that their daughter will eventually one day.So you kind of sit there and wonder what go's through your mom's head when you tell her for the first time That you love someone.Or when you tell your mom that you gave yourself to someone for the first time(had sex with someone for those you whome arn't the sharpest tool in the shed lol j/k)Do they truly know exactly how you feel?Are they just as scared as you are when you wonder if that person you were with will be with you "forever"?

You know the wisest of all people get most of their wisdom through idiot's?Are we all idiot's untill later on in life?What define's us from the rest?

Current Mood: curious

Unusually I have been very busy with friends and such.So I have decided I want to do nothing today unless someone strikes my interest in something to do.They asked me to close at friendlys today but I said no because I want to sit and vegitate today.Im all funned out.Things have been decent.I have come to the realization that I am very selfish and take things for granted and bitch about things that arnt really that bad.Haveing trouble sleeping for 2 reasons,empathy and heart break.Im getting better though.Waiting for a recovery is very hard work.A broken heart doesnt heal quickly and it sucks.I cant wait to hang out with friends I havnt seen in a long time finals is almost over woho!

I have decided that I need to start thinking about the direction my life is going.I need to go back to school!My mind is starting to steer in the right place.Talked to Shilah last night and that helped me to go to sleep because I was going crazy litterally.I have been obsessing over signs lately and I dont know why.Shilah always knows how to make me sane again.*sigh* I dont know what I would do without her.I need time to meditate and go over my brain abnormalities as of recently.Im stressing over little things and cant understand why.Thank you to Heather,Matt,and Shilah for being there for me just talking to me helps a great deal!Oh yeah and Sarah for trying to put the effort into seeing me at least.

Current Mood: blah

An emotionless disaster

a life yet unspoken of

a dream that has yet to be fulfilled

a heart that stands still

they all flock as one

as I stand on the ground and watch

wishing I could be with them

watching them smile

watching them frown

watching them move to their destination

I mutter a sound

they all turn their heads and smile

come to me,Talk to me

I still look at them with a blank stare

I still help them with their problems

then they solve them and move on

as I stand in the same spot and watch

give me a sign, tell me it will be allright

Tell me that I can smile once again

Unclip my freedom,unclip my wings,to smile like the rest

once again.....

Current Mood: depressed

Hung out with a soon-to-be-close friend.Its funny how all of a sudden Jay is out of the picture and all of a sudden im starting to meet people I have a special connection with.I have met people whome claim to be an empath but I have never truley believed them untill I met her.I have a strong fondness to her.It was like we were finishing each others sentences lol.All of a sudden im starting to truley connect with people whome are almost identical to me.Ever sence I have discovered myself to be wiccan Im starting to feel truley connected to those around me.Its an amazeing feeling.I feel so alive.I have also discovered that Im not ready to "be" with anyone.I think the gods have told me this I have just kind of turned my shoulder to the fact.Its time to truley be enlightened to who I truley am.Whats also weird is that she is only 18 I usually tend to have a fondness to older people.Refering to older then me, which tells me that she is an old soul.She said she is going to introduce me to a group that she has a special fondness to but she said it isnt a covenant and I was ecstatic to that fact.I can get to know my new found religion.My newly discovered life.

I seem to be going through an awkward faze in life right now....Its as if...I have no idea what im feeling or how to feel it....I dont know whats happening....I dont know how....to solve it and that is very unusual to me.....Im not depressed...but im not happy either.....its becomeing harder to sleep at night.....thats when you know it is bad....

Current Location: longmeadow
Current Mood: confused

Me: r u on?

Jay:yeah im kinda dealing with someone and its funny the story changed this morning now im being told that sarahs best friend told u ?

Me:best friend as in...John?

Jay:i dont know

Jay:i didnt get a name

Me:Sarah didnt tell me I already told you that

Jay:yeah i know

Me:know matter who I talk to your always pointed in the wrong wait one sec.

Me:Me:Ok rumors have been going around that Jay cheated on me with you when we were dateing.Is this true?

Me:Monica:didn't people already tell you this didn't I already tell you this yes he just can't be faithful to anyone and I love him to much to say no

Me:Secoundly she didnt say it was with your ex she said it was with Monica

Me:So I asked Monica directly and she said yes you did

Me:Me and you do not have "any" kind of spark so the most you can aim for is friends because I see us better off that way.You fucked me up to much

Me:you know I dont tolerate cheaters above anyone else

Jay:of course she said that she things your a ugly sasqoutch cunt bag and would do anything to get u away u seen her calling u a beast when u were hear she wants to kick your ass if she ever finds u and i told she needs to think again i know u dont put up with cheaters

Me:yes but I figured sence me and you are over she would actually tell me the truth

Me:I needed to go to the other source sence she was involved

Me:Im trying to determine right now who is at fault

Jay:i know

Me:why do you even care about whether we are friends you ruined pretty much everything

Jay:so then why would i want to start a relationship with u when i could have been with monica but choose not to and then cheat on u with her she trying to hold onto something

Me:why are you still friends with her then if she fucks everything up for you then? ever ask yourself that question?

Jay:i dont know

Me:you can definately find a better fuck buddy

Me:Im not the one who makes the bad decisions you need to learn how to grow and find friends that will bend over backwards for you

Me:I wanted to be that friend but you fucked all of that up?

Me:dont you care about actually growing in life instead of makeing the same mistakes over and over again?

Jay:i understand that

Me:no you really dont you dont want to change you just want to be a bad person and hurt people and ask yourself why you do that but do you ever think about putting in the effort to change?

Me:you need to find a place in life that makes you feel good about yourself as well as others

Me:your not a good "anything" to anyone

Me:I tried helping you but you ignored me so I gave up

Me:it sucks when people give up on you doesnt it?

Jay:i wasnt trying to ignore u

Jay:the last thing i wanted was that

Me:well you did and it fucked up something that could have been good for you and I really dont think you care

Jay:yeah it doesn suck it really sucks when u fall in love with someone and they gave up on my to go back to virgina for college

Jay:trust me i know how it feels

Me:Im in love with my best friend in the whole wide world and he doesnt lovve me back

Me:do you know how that feels?

Me:at least she loved you back

Me:so before you think about how bad you have had it think about how bad someone else might have had it

Jay:I do

Me:I moved on I think its time for you too

Jay:i did

Jay:im over krystal

Jay:been over her

Me:the past is a learning experience not something to blinf you of the future

Jay:i understand that

Me:no really you dont you need to realize im inside your head

Me:she fucked you up completely to the point that you became emotionless

Me:after 2 years you met someone whome you "may" have had a similar connection with ands so you wanted a replace ment

Jay:and i felt like u were the one to help u made me smile all the time

Me:but then you fucked that up as you do everything else

Me:Im not saying these things to hurt your feeling Im saying these things because no one else will and you need to hear it

Me:But will you listen?probley not

Jay:i am listening

Me:your stuck in this circle of comefort and dont want to escape it because new is a change

Jay:i want change

Me:and you dont want to change

Jay:yes i do

me:why do you want to change?

jay:cuz im tired of feeling like im in this black hole or corner and when i met u and started hanging out with u i felt better u made me smile alot and really do miss that

Jay:and with everything u told me about u this was the last thing on my mind for this to happen

Me:then why did you fuck it up?

Me:why could you have just been friends with me an nothing more friends are more important then girlfrieds anyway

Jay:i wanted to but then i felt like there was possibly something more then just being friends ..

Me:if you had been fucking around with monica and say we became "friends with benefits" I wouldnt have cared that you were sleeping with her

Jay:i didnt want u as friends with benefits

Me:it works out better actually we would still be friends and you would be getting sex no strings attached you wouldnt have hindered me from findoing someone else on my behalf

Me:jUST SAY IT YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH mONICA

Jay:yes once all week the first week we were together all she did was push me u need to break up with sasqoutch give me reasons why and she was like no one can give u a better blow job then me and then it shitty from there happy ..cuz im not

Me:YOU HAD SEX WITH HER?

Jay:no i didnt unless u consider 2 days before i asked u out or the after u broke up with me

Me:BUT YOU DID CHEAT ON ME

Jay:yeah if u consider her going down on my trying to make me break up with u

Me:*EVIL SMILE* FOOLISH BOY

Jay:i should have listen to u from the beging to end my friendship with her

Jay:no i should have listen to u before it happen and stop her too

Me:WELL WITH THAT SAID AND DONE DONT "EVER" TALK TO ME AGAIN

Jay:i understand

Jay:sorry for wasting your time

You see how good I am everyone?Dont underestimate.Thank you Justin for giving me advice it worked out perfectly.Yet again Justin comes to the rescue!

Current Location: longmeadow
Current Mood: accomplished

Hung out at Haven it was Ungoth goth soiree themed.So I went gangster.Its funny how I knew more music that night then any other night I have been there lol.I had a blast.Got some information from Carole that my ex as of yesterday,had a little fun with his ex girlfriend thanksgiving day.Ummmmmm...people kept asking me if I was ok you know though....unexpectedly...I was.It actually didnt surprise me.Yeah dont get me wrong I am upset over it Ill never talk to him again...but I guess in a sence I knew he did.All the signs were there.Hmmmmm.....I feel bad because of the fact that I should feel upset...for some reason im not....So im kinda beating myself up over that.Um yeah so now John(the leader of the web of darkness)wants to be friends with me again.He thinks im an idiot.He wants me to appologize first...he still thinks im the fault of the situation lol.But like I said in my last blog...Im so glad all of this shit is over!

Current Mood: cynical

Even the most fragile of souls

Need to roughed with

In order to see the light

Even the most darkest of humanity

Need to be loved

For it is the connection we all have

To this great circle

This world of uncertainty

We are all lost within one another

The key in which we all must rely on

the oneness that some refuse to see

As I speak these words

I know that some refuse to hear them

and I smile

because that is truly life

that is the hardship that we all go through

Acceptence is my virtue

Betrayal is my enemy

The two that fight inside me constantly

Then I see the oneness that help them to balance out

God has given me a mission that I will not blind myself of

I will fight till the death

and I WILL WIN!

Current Location: longmeadow
Current Mood: artistic

~ The past week~

Well what can I say.Hung out with Carol on Sunday and had a blast.Some people really surprise.I can see us being close friends.She's one of those people who I can truley talk to...havnt had that in a while.Im sorry to all of you if you have noticed a change in me recently.It just seems that when something really good happens in my life people try to destroy it...They all look at me like the bad guy.I never tried to hurt anybody or ruin anybody's relationships.It seems like just living creates drama and im sick of that.

Im very happy at this point in my life right now.I have a great boyfriend who really does care about me....Spent 3 days with him as a matter of fact.It was wonderful just holding him in my arms.I feel as if a part or me is starting to be stictched together all over again.Though it seems as if alot of people dont want us together and are already trying to break us apart.

Got a call from Friendlys today.I have an interview at 3 im so excited!Things are getting better once I turn my shoulder to all the troubles in my life so im doing ok.I dont want to care anymore.....It hurts to much.

So for all of you that read this Im sure now youll understand why I didnt call everyone up to brag about Jay.Its not like me I know...But im in a sence trying to blind myself of the world right now....though unhealthy, but its the only way I dont have to think....

Current Location: longmeadow
Current Mood: awake

This life is turning

As all those turn to ashes

It hurts to know

That I must sweep them up and move on

I walk the empty street

Wondering whats next

hopeing,preying that those I love follow me

But I see nothing behind me except the the only footprints on the ground

The animals watch and wonder

as I do...why nothing feels the same

As my life tells its story

as new faces tell there own memories

The chapter seems to come to a close

a chapter in which I never thought would end

regrets,questions,friends,enemies they all seem to combine themselves

entertwine in this chapter, this life, this reincarnated life

This old Soul is ready to awaken

into something great

something that actually feels right

What is right?

Current Mood: determined

The past 2 days have been great!

Me and Jay had our first day as a couple together today.Went to go see Saw 3 and then went to 99.I thought when watching a scary movie the girl was supposed to be scared and the guy was supposed to hold her...well for me its the other way around.He baried his head into my shoulder during all the good parts(let me remind you I was giggling inside everytime he did)I cant even describe or even explain how happy I am.This has been one of the best weeks I have had in a while!Oh my god Im dateing a gemini...I need to read into this one....

Current Location: longmeadow
Current Mood: accomplished